Self-Reflection Sundays: One Step at a Time

Another week has passed and to sum it up, it was hectic to say the least (emotionally mostly). Along with all the regular tasks that to be seem never-ending, I also had the mental battle of feeling like a failure because I can't keep up with everything that I had planned. Lately I've been feeding off of the thought that if it doesn't all work, then I can't accept just some of it working. It just seems like if I can find time to do some, I should be able to find time to do all. A few of my goals are to read the Bible and pray daily, workout 5 days a week, keep up with my weekly cleaning schedule, write daily, and do daily activities with my toddler. There is so much more on the list but consistency with just these items alone have seemed impossible. I've been a stay-at-home mom since December 2019 and you would think that this list was just the bare minimum of what I should naturally be doing. But the truth is that things have been challenging and instead of reassessing and reconfiguring, I've been in a slump of anxiety and overwhelming "stuck-ness". 

It's so easy for me to feel like a bad person when I don't complete everything perfectly each day. Guilt sets in if I dare to wake up early for a workout, but didn't wake up even earlier to spend time with God. It would be a shame to say that I finished my writing goal yet the clothes didn't get folded and put away. Say it ain't so that I took a nap but didn't get to my toddler's activity binder. Choosing to tackle one task always seems like something else is getting neglected. Listen, I completely understand the notion of prioritizing, but if everything seems to be of the utmost importance, it's natural to feel insufficient when I miss the mark. Getting my hair done, writing, or maintenance on my feet may seem miniscule, but they all are valuable to my self-care, yet more times than none, those types of items get placed on the backburner. No matter how much I rationalize the idea that whatever I do accomplish is a win, I still feel like it's not good enough. Well, yesterday, I took a step to counteract my feelings: I took a walk!

My tennis shoes came off and on a couple of times during a two hour span of events that I thought would prevent me from actually leaving the house. The later and later it got, the less motivated I was to go. But I eventually left and it was amazing. I didn't know how much I needed the walk. Just 30 minutes of walking, 30 minutes of no loud noise, 30 minutes to listen to an audiobook, 30 minutes of no responsibility. Just a chance to enjoy God's beautiful nature and block out my thoughts. Once I got back in the house, I was able to regroup and take some time to rest and even knock some things off of my list, all with the help of my husband who so graciously handled the kids for a while. I went to a few stores to start preparing for Thanksgiving dinner. I got some writing done and spent time with my family for the rest of the evening. I even put a basket of clothes away. In the end, I had a successful day! I did some things that needed to be done, even though I didn't do everything that needed to be done. 

I realize that I've become accustomed to a pattern of excuses. There's a lot of "I didn't do it because it didn't follow how I planned it" instead of "I assessed what it looked like and I did something, even if it was something small". I wouldn't do some things because of the other things that wouldn't get done. But instead of doing what I could, I wouldn't do anything at all, which would make me feel even more like a failure. Things would pile up and push back further and further. I was sinking. Perfection and procrastination clashing with my purpose. Why is there such a need to get it all right, get it all done? I think it possibly boils down to comparison. I see so many who just seem like they are doing the doggone thing and doing it well! Why couldn't I have it? If it didn't look perfect, who would know and who would really care? 

I have to let go of excuses and do what I can. I may desire badly to get in a YouTube workout at home but kids will be in the way, and if they're asleep, I wouldn't want to wake them. So instead, I can go for a walk.. And if I don't wake up early, (because sleep is a needed thing) that's okay! It really is. I can try again later, or the next day. It might not be the most active workout that I want, but it still helps my heart and clears my head. If I have five baskets of laundry looming over my head, it might seem overwhelming. But instead of letting them sit because I don't have time to put all five baskets of clothes away, I can start by just putting one basket away. This also prevents five baskets from becoming six. There is time and space for everything, but there is peace in accepting that everyday doesn't mean you have to do everything! Space it out, be realistic, and be at peace! Things will get done if I take it one step at a time.