Baby "Quad" Handy

This is the story of Baby "Quad", the latest member of our chocolate baby squad! 

Someone once said, "Life is like a box of chocolates..." I'm starting to wonder if I even like chocolate anymore. Okay I do, but this...this must be the one with the cherry flavor inside. I absolutely hate those kinds. This is like receiving an unexpected box of candy, face lighting up with so much joy, only to bite down and taste nothing but bitterness, confusion, disappointment and misery. 

"...You never know what you're gonna get". My trauma response was to approach each pregnancy with caution: If I can just make it to that first appointment, If I can just see the first sonogram, keep you alive long enough to hear the first heartbeat, I'll be safe, I'll know that you have a chance...and this cycle continues through every single appointment until hopefully I get close enough to the end to feel confident that you'll be carried to full term. 

No part of our pregnancy journey was easy. We never knew Baby #1 could be a reality for us but God made it happen. (You can check out that story here if you never knew: Getting Pregnant). The box of chocolates was looking promising but as quickly as Baby "Deuce" appeared was as fast as Baby "Deuce" left (Story here: Baby "Deuce"). But just months later, we were pregnant with Baby #3 (Story here: Baby #3). We experienced complications and sadness since we began, but we were grateful for all of it. And we love raising our two boys. We could only go up from here.

Baby "Quad", we learned very early of your existence. There were many thoughts about how we needed to prepare for you. Were we ready? Who knows but we bit down on the excitement; our chocolate squad was growing. Weeks later, I was spotting. Again? Don't they know I don't like the cherry flavor? Why is this happening? I thought I was safe? Hubby tried to tell me it was okay. Remember Quenton? But this was different. I had a strong inkling that you were leaving us but I tried to go along with it as if we would get to see you. We already had to wait about a month before the appointment where all you do is answer questions and get information. I've done this before; I already know what to do. What I don't know is if my baby is okay. At the end, the doctor was looking to schedule the first sonogram appointment. It was too far away, I don't have that much time to wait. The nurse saw my look of worry and was able to squeeze me in a week earlier. Last Monday came, time for my appointment and it was the weirdest day ever; I found out my fear came to pass. You never expect a miscarriage, especially since giving birth after you've already experienced one. I only expected cute baby announcements, maternity shoots, a new wardrobe for my baby bump, a house full of kids! It all crashed down; I had bitten into a cherry-filled piece of chocolate candy. We don't even have a picture of you, just the picture engrained in my memories of the little white dot on the monitor that showed the pregnancy, but no heartbeat! It was all over. 

This time was different. I didn't feel like functioning through the pain like the last time. There was laughter in the house, there were genuine moments of joy but also a huge cloud of sadness surrounding me and continuously following me. The next days have had much pain, many tears and sighs and deep breaths followed by, "okay let's go". I couldn't really figure out how to process this and grieve yet. I wanted a break but life was still happening so fast. My heart was aching, my body was weak, but I had to figure out how to keep showing up. Things are fine but gloomy at the same time. It's hard.

I don't have a perfectly crafted conclusion of positivity this time. I like to journal and blog because it's therapeutic. When I express my feelings, it's not because I need them to be ignored, erased, counteracted; I want them validated. I know all of the end statements: joy comes in the morning, God is with me, everything happens for a reason. I feel these truths right now in this moment, but I also know that I don't want to move past this too fast. I lost a child! Excuse me...I've lost TWO children! Being emotionally healthy isn't about ignoring the bad and only focusing on the good. I'm okay, but I'm sad. I didn't share to entice empathy, or kind words of encouragement. I think I'm just sharing to inform that this is what happened to us. IS HAPPENING to us! I want to grieve properly but even if you see us carrying on with life and daily duties, keep our loss in mind and in your prayers!