Dear Fat Girl

I looked in the mirror one day and I thought, "Ugh, I've become a Fat Girl". I looked in the mirror the next day, and the next, until about a month later, I realized that when I look in the mirror, I think to myself, "I'm a fat girl". 

I don't know why, but sometimes I imagine people leaving my presence to go home conversing with their spouses about how much weight Crystal gained. I imagine people who haven't seen me in years looking at me in shame because I still have "baby weight" or I'm not fit like I used to be. What I think other people are thinking is mere flattery compared to how I started to view myself. Eating made me feel sad. Trying to eat the right things made me feel disappointed and then I would eat what I wanted. This was always followed by more negative self-talk. See, you can't do it. You might as well give up. Even when you start, you can't stick with it. You're a failure.

You would think I had enough head knowledge to be successful at healthy living. However, I found it hard managing new life changes and figuring out what works in new seasons. I would often reminisce about how much of a gym rat I was back in the day, how fit I was, how much I had it together. You mean to tell me that the old ways from at least 5 years ago, when I was single, before having two children, before being well into my thirties, aren't working today? I would be frustrated at the fact that life was different instead of trying to figure out what works for me now. And if I did find something that worked, it would be so challenging to stay consistent. The moment the plan derailed a little bit, I would stop completely and count it a fail. But the goal of being healthy, the image of the fit silhouette hiding in between the body that currently weighs the heaviest it's every been, still dangles in front of me. I know it's not easy at all, but I still have hope that if so many others have made long-lasting changes, I can too. Furthermore, l keep reminding myself that throughout this process of becoming physically healthy, there's also a fight to defeat negative self-talk. It truly starts in my mind. My goal may be to lose weight, but if it takes longer than I'd expect, and if there are setbacks, I have to stop beating myself up. Whether I'm "fat" or "skinny", I have to practice loving myself.

I decided to write this because I know that I constantly need encouragement so I thought I would send off some positivity to anyone else who may need it as well. So this is my open letter to me:

Dear Fat Girl,

First of all, STOP calling yourself fat. It's unnecessary. Even if you are unhappy with how much you weigh, the extra pounds that you carry, how you look in the mirror, it doesn't help to keep downing yourself. You have the right to love your body right now, the way that it currently is, the weigh that it currently is!! You also have the right to either stay how you are, or change it. Self esteem is usually due to numerous factors. If it's low right now, it probably isn't just because of your weight or body image. You have the right to explore what else is going on in your life right now that is contributing to your low self-esteem. You are not alone.

1. I pray that you see yourself the way God, your creator, sees you. When He made man, He called it good. There's nothing that can separate you from His love. 
2. I pray that you allow others to love you as you and not compare yourself to anyone (not their image, not their process,  not what you think they're thinking about you).
3. I pray that you learn to love you. You can love how your body looks right now and dress it fiercely because you deserve it.. Happiness, self-confidence and self-worth don't come from changing your weight. It comes from changing your mindset. If your goal is to become healthier, then go for it. But don't wait for the change to happen before you start loving yourself, and love yourself enough to commit to making changes. You're worth living your best healthy life.

I know why I want to be healthier, I know how I feel when things don't go as planned, I vow to start with the mind:

-I will NOT call myself fat

-I will NOT count it a failure when I mess up (skip the gym, eat something I shouldn't)

-I WILL love myself now at my heaviest just as I will when I get fit.

-I WILL give myself grace through this whole process.

-I DO believe that I can do it. Even if I have to take a break, I WILL start again.

-I will NOT compare myself to anyone else, nor will I look at someone else's "success" and feel bad about myself. 

-I will be honest with myself and journal and talk to others and pray because I'm not alone. 

-I CAN do this!