Losing Luggage during the Holidays

The long awaited break was finally here. I made it to the most wonderful time of the year where the only thing on my lesson plan is guilt-free breathing, fun, relaxation and spending time with my family. This Christmas also came with a surprise. One of my presents came as soon as the break started. Friday, December 20, the last day of school for the year, I got some new luggage to carry - Perfect timing for traveling through the holiday season.

I began enthusiastically making plans and envisioning the future and I couldn’t wait to share news of the luggage I was carrying with my husband. The next day, one of my line sisters noticed my new luggage and I giggled with joy. I still only shared it with two other people who are also carrying new luggage. Then boom, throughout my holiday travels, I lost my luggage.

I had not planned on losing my luggage just a week after finding out about it to begin with. I planned to go back to work next Monday and everyone would eventually know why Mrs. Handy  was putting on all this weight. Everyone would be gentle and caring with me because they would know what I was carrying. I would join in with the joy of two of my line sisters who are also carrying (unless there’s more that we don’t know about yet 👀). I could take a break from the harsh periods that make me wish we still lived in the Bible days where women couldn’t go out during their cycle. I could safely tie my tubes because this would be the last and final baby from our household. Lastly, I hopefully would finally have my baby girl. But…I lost my luggage. When you lose luggage, you don’t know it yet. You’re just standing there longer than everyone, watching everyone else grab their luggage and go live their normal lives or go enjoy their vacation. You wait and wait for your turn and then you realize your vacation is about to change. You have to lose time from your vacation running around trying to figure out your next steps. You go to your hotel room with sadness instead of excitement to embark upon excursions. You wait to see if your luggage has been recovered or if it’s gone for good. Well, my luggage was gone for good. No one would see my need for the same love, care, and gentleness as if I was still pregnant. You don’t get maternity leave for not being pregnant anymore. I used up all my grief days. There’s no other days for losing a child that wasn’t even old enough to publicly announce its existence. At least I still have a week of break huh, just enough time to hurry up and get over the pain so I can get back to “normal” bright and early next Monday morning, right.

I’ve had miscarriages before but during Christmas time, and when I’m supposed to be celebrating my youngest baby’s 2nd birthday? Why? I tried my best this time. As soon as I found out, I tried to take it easy. I was careful not to do strenuous activities, I ate more veggies, drank more water, I was hopeful! I was positive about being positive. I am pregnant. I am going to have this baby. Daily I would look after using the bathroom to make sure we were still good. No blood. We’re good. We’re going to have this baby. Then…I lost my luggage.

First came the “why” and “who did I think I was”. I’m 39 and I’m already losing it with the three children that I have now. My husband and I are stupid busy working in education, finishing our doctorate degrees and working actively in Greek organizations while raising three young boys. And I had the nerve to think that I, of all people, could carry another baby. Was I not satisfied? Of course I was. Which makes it more heartbreaking. Did I not have a right to desire a girl? I was good with the three boys. I could’ve just kept traveling through life. Why did I have to get pregnant again just to lose it again? Only a handful of people know that I just lost another baby near the end of the last school year. I was out of school for a week and a half. Maybe this had to happen because although I was content with living life as a family of five, in the back of my mind, I was still very open to having one more. Maybe God needed me to go through this to decide in my heart that I absolutely do not want to be pregnant ever again (so please don’t ever ask us again anything about another baby). Maybe God needed us to see all the things that it would be impossible or unnecessarily difficult  for us to focus on and finish with another baby. Maybe there’s a whole lot of things that we still need to do that we don’t even know yet. Maybe 2025 should be focusing on us being healthy spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Maybe losing this luggage was a reminder that there’s some baggage that I can’t carry into the new year; friendships that haven’t been nurtured for years, disobedience to God, neglect of gifts, etc. It’s okay to let go of a dream of carrying on some “legacy” other than God’s plan. When I was Coming to America through birth, it was only to fulfill God’s purpose. “I almost forgot that I was here in a domestic capacity”…to serve others and serve the Lord that gives and takes away. The heartache is huge but Blessed be the name of the Lord, in the highlands and the heartache, all the same!