Unlearning Friendship
Is it common to feel negative thoughts due to changes in friendships? Does it make you angry that all the "busy" seems to leave no time for an actual friendship at all? It may have felt like you've been abandoned, left out, forgotten. You may feel alone like you're the only one who wants things to change. Am I even being thought about? Are they even aware that a problem exists? I think this is normal for some people. Circumstances change in our lives that cause us to not be able to give a relationship the exact same attention as before. While recognizing that this is a part of life, it's still important to learn healthy ways to respond to these changes. Can I be honest? I haven't always responded well. Actually, I'm still working on it...
We've all heard it said before, "seasons change". Well SEASONS SUCK!
This current season has been weird because I'm not only dealing with insecurities in friendships, I also am self-assessing and figuring out what I need in order to live in love and peace. The battle between deciding what's worth keeping and what should be let go isn't easy. I realized there was a lot of bottled up bitterness, anger, and of course feelings to join the very popular societal norm of "cutting people off". Redefining friendships is not a new concept to me. You look back and remember that person you clung to all through college that isn't even in your phone contact list anymore. The one that made you laugh all through high school is doing very well on Facebook but you haven't spoken to them in decades. That can be okay. What can really shake you up though is when those deep relationships start to alter. Instead of accepting it as a fact of life, it's easy to feel like the whole relationship is deceased. You start to analyze all the things that were wrong with the relationship, and the longer the time span between communication, you just want to throw the whole thing away as something that doesn't need any investment at all anymore. How do you deal?
First of all, whether others think you're crazy for feeling weird, your feelings are very real, so validate them and explore where they are even coming from. Then, you have options. Forgive, accept the new and deal with it, love no matter what. Or you could just demote the relationship and just be cordial so you can stop worrying about what should be.
I was going through Instagram stories when I came across a question that one of my sisters posed:
What is forgiveness? An answer that absolutely shook my world was "...space to heal. not reconcile, but learn new norms". That hit me hard!
Lately I've been trying to let go of past norms (unrealistic expectations, thoughts that friendship could still be balanced even with life changes, comparison). Unlearning friendships could mean surrendering to the death of them, or it could mean relearning these friendships in a different way for this season.
I was so upset with the fact that people were doing things on their terms and I didn't see how I fit in. Comparing my friendships to others, wondering why things seem to work better with others and not me. But so what! I did not have to be bitter. I did not have to beg for things to go back to how they were. It was impossible for that to happen. But forgiveness meant letting go of my bitterness, expectations, the past. What am I going to accept now? What do I want friendships to look like and how much am I willing to do on my part? Could I be okay with the feeling that things won't always be a complete equal reciprocation? Does it mean the friendship is done?
When people prioritize in their new season, sometimes you won't make the cut.You'll waste so much time trying to figure out why you didn't make the top of someone's list when their season shifted. I got it wrong when I started trying to figure out my value to others. Know your value to yourself and do what you have to do to be okay with it. Being bitter isn't going to change how much people will come through for you. So accept how things are now. Either you're going to be okay with it or you'll let it go. But make a choice and move with it. Stop being unhealthy and stuck. Lastly, you are NOT alone. Remember to be content with the other close relationships that are giving you what you need right now. They matter. Focus on that and let's grow!
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