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Today I realized, or rather "re-realized", that I internalize things a lot. More than I really should. I'm very emotional and I take things to heart when someone tells me something. I admit today that I really do hate authority. I do not like to be responsible for things, and today I was reminded why. I like to have things in control because when they are out of control, I don't want to hear about what I did wrong. I want to always have things right. I want to show people that I can be a good leader. The reality is that leaders mess up. Leaders don't always think of everything. When a leader messes up, they should be strong and humble enough to accept their wrong and apologize to the necessary parties. I am lacking with these qualities. So when something goes wrong and I have to take responsibility for it, it hurts. I don't wanna be seen when I'm down. But I have to learn that messing up is a part of maturity. You have to grow and sometimes it means that you will be rebuked. You have to know how to take the good and the bad. You won't always have it together but you can't fall apart and get all upset when someone approaches you about it. I guess I don't like authority because I don't like the idea of someone coming to me telling me what I did or didn't do, but I don't see anyone coming to you telling you what you did or didn't do. Ah well, I have to get over it. I also hate being responsible for things. I'd rather say no to everything and then show up if something changes that allows me to show up,. AHHHHHHHHHH I don't know how I feel right now, wounded with truth. That's the best way to describe it. Now that I've written and gotten it out, i can actually focus on what I'm supposed to be doing without breaking down crying, reliving the conversation in my head.

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